Toddlers & Tiaras - and the name is..

Ever been confronted by an Oprah AHA moment?
Well this is mine. All 3rd person referring, this is my fractured world, glory be to the United States of Me? Oh Tootie, where were you all my identity searching life? This is my alter ego. She pops out regularly but reigns in Eisteddfod season. Here are my Tootie-isms.
I have always got laundry to do. Tootie never has laundry to do. Someone does it for her. She just points to the rotting pile in the corner, gives a surreptitious sniff and it is washed, folded and spirited away.
I scrape my wet hair into a ponytail. Tootie's team descends. She is coiffed into magnificent Bold & the Beautiful type waves with a little landing strip reserved for the jewelled tiara that will surely reside there later in the day.
I wear head to toe Sue Sylvester spawned tracksuits. Tootie shimmers. Tootie shines. Her clothes are laid out on her bed. She chooses the most sparkly. People sigh as she passes.
I madly gesticulate. At all things. Husband. Kids. Plants. Tootie, royal waves ( if you're worthy.)Though if she is feeling all perky, she breaks out into highly animated and intricately choreographed jazz routines.
I swear. Tootie cusses.( but only when she is feeling a little sassy.) I am 24/7 sassy.
Many more Tootie-isms to come.